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A Shoddy Vision

August 8, 2016

The moment that my heart just stopped seemed to have been around the same time that I saw her. She was walking with some friends and I didn’t need more than an instant to know what I was looking at. She held her purse tight as she walked, talked and laughed with her friends of assorted size. Looking back at that moment put some perspective in my life. The moment I see that time is just a felt pen running along an endless piece of paper. The past easily goes from now to then, and we’re just lost in the meantime. My eyes watered and I saw the moment of time destruct into a world of shambles. Nothing I had existed and there was nothing that she was. The entity that will haunt my life forever. The being that taught me to look deep into my psyche and be who I am. I wanted to reach out and yell to get her attention. I wanted to run to her and ask her the usual questions to learn about her, but I didn’t. Instead, I watched her leave and felt her presence die from just a few feet past me. She’s gone. I should have learned the first time or the second time that she didn’t want me. I should have realized that the future we had that was optimistic is dead and all she saw me as was the drunk who persisted in inconsistencies. Life is funny, and the only grasp of it you have is after it’s over. I’ll never handle the reigns of my life and neither will you. It’s pulling us like a child holding the leash to a large dog.

I could come up with excuses and plead for forgiveness, but I won’t. I could scream on the top of my lungs and cry for the past being over, but why waste my time? I’m scarred, and that’s the way it should be. It’d be a shame for a relationship to last as long as it did, 7ish years over a decade, and not be affected by it. I don’t wish to go back, but back to the time. When life seemed to make sense. When things were heading towards a positive possibility of post adolescence. This is wrong. Growing up is underrated, and I know this by acting foolish and putting myself in precarious situations in which I still feel the fallout from.

I’m not doing better, nor am I worse, nor am I dwelling. I just have nowhere to turn to. No place to see towards the affirmation of positivity. I, instead, seem to dwell in the rivalry of my mind and soul. I see a happy version of me, a nice version of myself and people who generally want to be around me. That is not me. I’m confrontation. I’m disillusionment at it’s finest. For I have made an existence based solely on the idea that we don’t matter and we only effect each other in the grandest scale falling between .000001 and .000002.

The extremities are injured. The mind is in turmoil. Why act? Why would we act as if the life and times of this particular human being will ever be appreciated in the time of his existence? I get it, I’m on the cusp of sanity and extreme common sense. I’m simple and extremely complicated. I get it, I’m a contradiction of man, but that just states that the matter enclosed is in a constant battle, and yet I’m losing. or winning. The warm sweat dripped on my shoulder as a cold chill ran down my spine as I feel more and more lost in the ether of the world. God, heaven, the Devil, or hell don’t exist and the fact that my atoms will return to the universe more easily than a flower will be constructed and grown is comforting somehow.

I see my faults and my inner sadness. It’s always been there, from the date of my birth. I get in those moods where I want to cry, but there’s nobody to cry for. Nobody to cry with. The futile state of mind where anger meets sadness is an inter-galactic-al integral point of view where my victim is both criminal and prosecution. I need to run. I need to fight and find my footing. Too many times do I fall, only to scrape my knees in the fight that gathers nothing more than a glance in my general direction.

The glimpse of another life pertaining to procreating and a possible shot of happiness seemed to fall to the wayside. It was a glimpse and wasn’t much more than the shoddy vision that my future is far from reaching it’s breaking point. Just when things seemed most dire, a ray of light breaks through the blinds on a cold Saturday morning. Shining in my face, smearing me with my ignorance. Gaea had never been kind, and I feel my nature to depict it. Sensitivity subside along with my anger and sadness. It’s a thing I use to hide behind. Humor and a disillusionment in humanity hides my insecurities. Hating to be reminded at how human I can be.

So, I watched her walk away. The past that culminated the last 10 years of my life. She’s important to me, and just because I don’t wish for her to know me anymore. I hope she’s alright and doing well, which I fear is not true. I’m not doing well, and our sickness will only waste each others time. Perhaps one day I’ll be good and happy, but until that can happen I’ll get comfortable here.

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